“I never loved you. I wouldn’t miss you at all. You are replaceable. Interchangeable.”
The words echo in my head. So many questions and so much confusion clouds my ability to think of much else. I long to understand what happened, but I simply cannot make sense of it.
My heart breaks over the loss of a life that I created with someone. I am devastated over the betrayal of someone I trusted so entirely that I agreed to spend the rest of my life with him. Everything feels like a lie. And I feel played for a fool.
Every laugh, every kiss, every touch, every moment meant nothing to him. I was simply someone to kill time with. Yet, as I look back, his actions seem to scream infinitely louder than his words. The beautiful and kind gestures. The nights spent in the hospital with me when I was sick or the times he took care of me at home. The talk he had of the future and our life together. The happy tears he cried when my father gave his blessing to ask me to marry him. The sleepless nights when he cried over having to go on exercise and say goodbye.
I try to rationalize what happened. I try to look for the signs that his words had some meaning behind them. That I really did mean nothing, and since I did not have a place in his heart it was so easy for him to begin a relationship with someone else. But I just cannot make sense of it.
As much as my heart breaks, I feel like I started to let go a while ago too. Every night that he drank, I found that my tolerance was a little bit less. When he was cruel and unkind and blamed it on his depression, I began to ask myself how many more times I could plead with him to seek help. Yet the entire length of our relationship, I continued to be his rock and his strength.
With the passing of my dear grandmama, I needed him to be my strength. For the first time in our relationship I called on him to be my rock. He was overseas, I was alone and lost a woman who was a mother figure for me in so many ways, and I fell into a dark place. He says that is the moment that he decided to leave me. When I needed help. When I had used up all of my strength on him and just needed to borrow some back.
I may not be able to make sense of his reasoning, but I do know in my heart that all give and no take is not how a relationship works. I know that I deserve better than to feel like I can’t ask the person that I chose to spend the rest of my life with for help. That isn’t how it is supposed to be.
As I start to heal over the loss of him, my pain turns into ache from the absence of someone to share my life with. It saddens me to come home to an empty house. To eat dinner alone. To go to sleep alone and not have that person to share the details of my day with. In the morning, I roll over to an empty side of the bed and start the cycle again.
Each new day is still another day that I find myself analyzing and asking questions about what happened. I don’t anticipate this will go away soon. Some days my feelings are of sadness, some of anger, some of regret and embarrassment, but most of them I feel relief. Relief that I realized the type of person he was now, and that I didn’t waste any more of my heart on someone who clearly has not given any of his to me. Relief that I can go back to living the life that I always dreamed of having instead of giving up my dreams because he said that his were more important. Relief that I get a clean slate and a new chance to try to find real love.
“In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”